Hello Change of Winds!

Summers around the corner.

Spring is in the air.

The feeling that surrounds all changes and lifts.

Whenever spring rolls around I feel like a whole new person. I feel like all the stress and dead weight of winter is no longer there and all I want to do is have some fun with my friends. School doesn't seem that important and stressful for that very reason. Strange thing is I always do really well because that same reason!


I understand that things can go wrong at anytime.

I understand that things can't always stay the same.

But, I also understand that things will work out with a little bit of effort from all sides of the equation.

Lately, My moods can change with the weather outside, people in my life and how I feel personally. Spring is just that way for me. I'm going to have a great summer though. I'm determined not to let anything ruin my plans and happiness. I've already started working on my goal of that my getting rid of the junk I no longer need in my room, life, and sorry to say but in my so called friends.

Life changes.

The seasons bring on a change of winds.

I'm not longer letting that wind control me.

This time around the wind will work with and around me as much as possible.

The seasons to come look like they will be the best I've had for many.

Hello Change of Winds :))

Marnada :))

Change within :)

Okay, so lately I've been all out of wack! Not myself at all but I seem to be loving it more than anything. I've been quiet and keeping to myself but I'm okay with that. I talk when I want to but when I truly need to work I do it and get it done with. I can't believe how much of a difference it's making. In classes that I had a C- in I now have B+ or higher. It's amazing. I'm so happy with myself. It's a feeling I haven't felt in such a long time.

I have a new self confidence in me and I truly love it. When I look at myself in the mirror I no longer see a plane Jane or someone I don't really like. I see myself smiling and happy with myself! Ahhh!

I know I sound strange at the moment but things are just clicking right now. Things NEVER click for me and now they are. AHHHHHHHH! YAY!!!

Another change is that I've been letting change happen. I haven't well I guess I've been trying to not be so stubborn with everything. I'm trying hard at least. Slowly but surely is what I've been going by these days. I do recommend it.

Ahhh. Damn. Happiness is amazing.

Like I said things to be clicking lately. I hadn't truly danced in such a long time and now it's coming back to me so naturally. It's what I do everyday when I wake up in my kitchen. I smile, sing and dance. Ugh. It's truly amazing. I start lyrical next week and I'm so excited for it. It's one time where i can poor all my heart out in a single 3 mins.

Life is amazing. I really just needed to get that out right there. :)))

Well I will stop pouring out my happiness now!

((((FYI That's my lyrical outfit above!)))

Clicking is amazing,

Maranda!!!!

What to do?

At the moment in time I'm torn in the middle. There are so many things going so many directions and I truly have no idea what to do or say. Lately I've seemed to be drifting apart from people. I'm losing connection with people that I've known for years. I'm at a stopping point in my life. The "2 roads" come into play at this moment.

I no longer have the urge to go out of my way to try to make things work anymore. Suddenly all I can think is if it happens well then for some reason it's suppose to be that way. I don't find myself fighting for things or people I care about.

Honestly, I have no idea why it's happening.

I'm indifferent about it...

I see people around me having fun and laughing while talking. I use to be in that but not so much anymore. I use to love going and hanging out with my group of friends and instead now I'd rather be by myself. Making conversations with people were things I always loved to do and I was well at. Now, I just stare down at my hands and look the other way.

I'm becoming a completely different person. :////////

I miss those things from the past. Sadly I don't even see them in my future. Is it because I'm growing up? Have I been lying to myself this whole time? Or is a lapse in time that I just need to see that I can do it on my own?

That's something that has been running through my head every moment these past days. Can I do it on my own? I want to know that if I'm left that I can make it without them. I think about how a week ago I truly needed someone by my side but they weren't. I was on my own. I didn't know what was going to happen. That day was my judgement day.

Two days later I found out the verdict. I had reached my goal. But what really got me was that I did it on my own. No one was there by my side holding my hand even though I would of loved that.

Thoughts have been flying in and around my head.

Is this curiosity a lapse in time? Or is it something more than that?

Only time can tell. So now I sit in wait. The worst type of torture ever but you can never change it. I wait to find the answer to my questions. Can I be invincible by myself?

Thoughts flying,
Maranda

My Poker Face

I sit there in my red velvet chair. Taping my fingers away at the table. I put on my unreadable face.

My Poker Face.

I'm sitting at the gambling table with my worst enemy in life, biggest fear, best friend, first true love, the person who can make me feel like I'm on cloud nine, and last but not least the one person who can kick me while I'm down.

I look around at each one trying to read their faces. Then down at my hand. My normal and okay hand. Trying to put together combinations of cards to create something amazing. Nothing special lies within my fingers. I have random cards appearing out of no where. It's to hard to catch up with.

Suddenly, I look up. I only see one person sitting across from me. I look around in a panic. Heart racing. Sweat racing down my forehead. My vision is getting blurred. I feel my face. Suddenly I feel that my face is covered in water. I realize I'm crying. I can no longer see.

I fall to my knees. Screaming. Reaching out hoping that someone will grab my hand. No one is there to grab it. I didn't get a close enough look at the person sitting across from me to find out who it really was.

I'm helpless.

I think. I try to figure out something to do. My mind is racing. I can't control it. All I want is for it to stop. Take one sort 1/2 second break. I'm slowly getting dizzy. My head is spinning. Nothing is making sense. Everything is a huge mess painted on one tiny wall.






Everything is black.

I'm slowly regaining strength.

I open my eyes.

I sit up. Look around. I'm in my room and laying in my bed. Was it all a dream? Could that truly of all been in my head.

I turn around look at my wall. Look at that frame that's still hanging on my wall. The pictures that are still stuck on my wall. While looking up all the word's that I can form is, "Thank God."

My nightmare wasn't true. I hadn't hit the ground.

A Mess

A mess.
Heartache and doubt.
Flooding one's head every moment they are in motion.
Looking and searching for the way out.
The light at the end of the tunnel.
It can't be found.
Spinning in circles everything becomes a blur.
A blob.
A mess.
What's one to do?
Think?
Say?
Searching for one's self while holding up everyone else.
What will happen if I slip?
Trip?
Will I be trampled?
Or will I be caught on the way down?
No one knows.
No one can tell.
All one can do is hope.
Pray.
Work.
Try to achieve.
A mess waiting to be sorted out.

Can't Take My Eyes Off Of You

So I want to fore warn you. Yes, this blog is going to be corny in all sense. One last thing yes, this is directed towards one certain person. So if you don't want to read the rest of this then stop right now and close the page. It really doesn't bug me. I just hope that one certain person enjoys it as much as I do.

So I met this person around 2ish years ago. Well after that silly little meeting we finally actually spoke and became somewhat friends during the summer at a bonfire. After that great hoorah we became besties the day my new bestie got a celluar phone! Lets just say from the moment those phone numbers were exchanged we didn't stop talking at all.

What can I say. We just... well umm.. CLICKED!

My bestie and I talked about everything you could ever imagined. I was never scared to say something dumb or just be my plane Jane self. I felt more comfortable with my bestie than I ever had before.

Bestie could make me laugh so hard I had tears pouring down my face and smile so brightly it pretty much didn't go away (I'm not kidding I feel asleep and woke up with the same smile on my face). My bestie knew what to say to make me feel so special that nothing could ever live up to them.

This person changed my world for the best in every way possible.

Well I'm sure you all know who I'm talking about. If you don't well it's Logan Nash Tufte. He's my best friend.

If you haven't met him before you need to. You'll know what I mean by the very first words that come out of his mouth. He's just so inviting and friendly. You could listen to him for hours even if he was talking nonsense.

I'm writing this because in 36 hours from now I will be spending my second valentines day with him! I'm shocked. I never thought that I could have a best friend and perfect boyfriend all in one.

Well the main reason for me writing this is to brag nonetheless.

I wanted the whole world (well whoever may read my silly old blogs) to know how excited I am so Saturday.

Since the moment I ever looked at Logan my eyes have never left him. He's to one thing on my mind and in the room I can see clearly. The one voice I can pick out of a million.

I love you my bestie! Happy Valentines Day! Two and counting!

Loud and Proud,

Maranda!

A Little Effort

If anyone has every told you that it takes to much effort to make people happy, to change what has happened, or that nothing can change no matter what you do? Well there's one thing you should say that person the second they say that. Look them straight in the eyes and without a studder in your voice say, "I call bullshit." That's exactly what they are trying to do.

Anything can be changed with a little bit of effort. No matter the problem and/or situation. It will change in the better some way, some how, and some day.

Here's the catch to it all though.

YOU ACTUALLY HAVE TO TRULY MEAN WHAT YOU ARE DOING.

If you truly can't put a little effort into things and mean it then there's one message you are sending to the world around you. That message is saying, "I really don't care about _____ (insert your person, object, meaning, etc. here). No one is saying you have to or anything. That's your own personal choice but when it comes back to you and someone asks you about it man up and say that.

Excuses are worthless, pointless, meaningless, heartless, and most of all they do NOTHING other than make everything worse. (I'm hoping that's not your whole goal here)

Say what you feel and think. Nothing else is usually necessary.

My whole point here is if you truly want to change something all you need to do is put a little effort into it. That could change and show people so much. It really isn't that hard. In the end you will get something out of it. Something that you truly want to do is never pointless.

Heartfelt effort can make that much of a difference. (Trust me. I have experienced it first hand)

Put a little effort into it.

Making an effort,

Maranda!

Letting It Slip Away

Can you have something that was lost, shattered, and ripped away from your fingers ever so horribly? Something that you had for years of your life, the one thing that truly made you YOU and that got you through every day. Well that's what happened to me. I got the one thing that I could turn to when everything in my life went wrong. That thing was dance. I know it may seem dumb but I honestly don't care. Dance was the one thing that was mine, it never left when I was in a horrible mood, when my life seemed to be slipping, and it always knew how to make me happy no matter what seemed to be happening. Dance was like my best friend, soul mate, mother, dad, and everything else you could think of! This was the one thing that I never thought would be ripped from my hands, smashed right in front of my face, then the person who did it look at me straight in the eyes and told me "Don't even waste your time with that. You're not that good anyways. Get some help and maybe it'll get a little better if you're lucky."

This happened to me a couple of years ago and ever since then dance has never been the same. The passion that was there before hand was lost and never found. I didn't even see the point in dancing after I heard that. Every word that was said that day was imprinted in my head and worst of all my heart. No matter what was said to me all I could think of were those words. After that I did the worst thing... I gave up. I barely danced and when I did all I saw in the mirror was a horrible dancer that was wasting everyone's time even my own.

For a year I only danced when I had to (I teach dance at JFK) and I wasn't even having fun. I looked at the girls in front of me and just thought "Why am I teaching them? They should have someone better and that actually knows what they are doing!" I cried so many times during that year span. I avoided every thing I could that even reminded me of dance other than work.

After taking that year off I noticed how much I truly missed dance. Dance was such an outlet for me. You could tell how I was feeling because every guard was down and the movements poured out of me like tears. So I started looking for classes in town, outside of town, and any place just so I could start again. I wanted this back more than anything. I told myself that those things weren't true. That I could do it! So I started involving myself even more and more.

Then lately this thing, a strike of lightning you could say, hit me and I knew what I had to do. This person, who told me all of those things a few years ago, is who I have to dance in front of. I need to show her that I can dance. Most importantly I need to show myself that those things are not true and that they never were.

So I'm going to go in front of them and showing them every last thing I have in me. I'm going work my ass off every single day that I can and show how dedicated I am. Hopefully it will turn out the best way! I only have one thing that I hope you get out of this long story. It's that you should never give up even if someone takes that special thing from you. It's yours and not theirs. Just because they say something doesn't mean it's true or that you should think it. Keep doing what you love. You'll regret for letting it go right out of your fingers.

Never giving it back up,

Maranda Keirsten

You...

Well here's a little story for you. I've been going through quite a bit in my family and it was really difficult to even get by one day. I was going through so much that all I did after school was cry. My life was hard. Fighting with my mom everyday, lacking a brother in every way possible, parents yelling, and there was only two people I could turn to. Two people that would be put in difficult positions if they knew what I was going through.

People see me everyday and look into my eyes and see this happy person that's truly not there all the time. People look at me and see what they think they know but they truly have no idea what I've actually been through in my life. There are very few people that know what I've actually been through; they say I'm so strong and they wouldn't of guessed that's something that's happened to me. After they find out and look into my eyes they see me in a whole other sense. Right after the first time they look into my eyes I've gotten the same response from most people. They say all my stories are hidden in my eyes. (If you don't know my eyes are a very very very deep rich brown) I laugh because it's almost the truth. If you look at me in the eyes before you know these things you just see these eyes but afterwards you see the stories.. pain.. joy.. and everything else I've been through.

Well I had been hiding these stories for the longest time and I'm finally opening up and letting some people in. These stories are flowing out of me and I'm comfortable saying them and I'm not ashamed and I no longer blame myself all because of the help from these two people. One of the two people I got into a huge fight with. Tears were flowing down both of our faces, whispering was the loudest we could make the words out, and one step towards the door changed everything.

The second that happened I realized what I needed. I needed to let these stories flow out and that's what I did. I sat on a bed and let them all out. I let everything out. We sat there on that bed for an hour just talking, crying, laughing, and hugging. That's what I needed. I needed someone there to say "You're going to be okay. You're going to make it out of this. I'm here and that's never going to change." You know who you are. and I thank you. After that happened I wrote a poem to try to let them know how much I thanked and loved them for it. I hope it showed how much they mean to me. Well here's the poem. I hope everyone that reads it enjoys it.

You
Hearts are pounding
Teeth are barring,
Laughing is necessary
And Breathing barely,
The room is spinning
Yet, I’m starring,
Dazed by your face
And Your angel like grace,
The butterflies are rushing
And my face is blushing,
By the way I feel
I know our love is real,
As we lay there together
I know it’s forever,
And it’s all because of
You.

Movie Theater in My Head

I've always had a thought in my head. It's been replaying over and over and over again. I just can't seem to get it out. It'll die away for sometime but then it'll just pop back up. I can't understand why it's there! It's not a huge deal or anything but it's still there. Gah! Right now I'm sure you're thinking "What the hell is she talking about?" Well I'll tell you. For weeks now all I can think about most of the time is what am I thinking? Doing? Saying? Why am I doing it? All this stuff then there's this picture in my head. A picture that never seems to die away. It may altar here and there but it's still there. It's a never ending movie.

I'm trying to think about why I'm feeling this way? Why I'm thinking about it so much? Why it came up in the first place? Then one day when I was walking to my car, after school had just gotten out, with my boyfriend. We stopped at my car and just talked for a few minutes like we do everyday. Nothing different or out of the normal or anything like that. The day was the same and the time. I'm not sure why but when I saw him smile and looked into his eyes it hit me. The feeling was something new.

I figured it out. All those thoughts now made sense. I wasn't mad or ticked about thinking about this anymore. I was happy and thinking about it willingly. Happier than ever to think about it. The reason why I am thinking about all these things so much is because I have finally realized how much I'm growing up. How fast time is going by. How many new things I'm going through physically and mentally. And I love every single thing I'm going through. In a few things I'm going to be heading off to college, starting my life, getting a job I'll probably stick with the rest of my life, getting married, saying hello, saying goodbye, having kids, and so much more. All these thoughts hit me and for some reason all I can think about is how much I would love all of those things now.

My life as a "kid" "teenager" "tween" any of those names you want to call me now are about to end. My life as an "adult" "grown up" all those good names are about to start. But I don't want to think about it as one thing ending and another starting. I won't one life. One long experience. I want to keep my childhood to stay in my heart, not leave. These things replay in my head every day and I'm finally fine with it now that I found the reason. That reason I love. I can't for the future by I'll live my life day by day. Who knows that one day could make my future that much better!

Found that reason,

Maranda :)))

Hello 1500 New Faces!!

Well I'm sure you're thinking "What the heck are you talking about?" when you started reading my blog title. Here's your answer. This weekend I'm going to up the cities for my Y.I.G (Youth In Government) and I'm staying there for 4 days! HOLY!! I'm so excited! There are going to be around 1500 people there! Can you say a lot of people? Well I'm pumped for it. It's my first year doing this so I'm not quite sure what to expect but I think that's the part that I'm most excited for. I love new experiences, people, memories, and well pretty much everything. They are just my thing. :)))))))))) I CAN'T WAIT TIL IT'S HERE!

Pumped,

Maranda!

Cheers to this Past Year!!

WOW! Can you believe it, another year has gone and past. Memories were made and shared. Tears streamed down the faces of the people you look at every single day. Laughs were heard around the world. Love found others while some lost it. New friendships came to those who truly needed it. Last but never the least every single person around the world had dream made.

When I sit in my black and over sized wooden chair and think about the year that has passed I just can't believe all the things that have passed me by. I think of all the new times I have had with my friends. The laughs we have had because of the jokes, silly faces, our perverted minds (we all know we have one), the clothes we're wearing, the movies we are watching, and every other thing we have done. My friends have been there for me through everything that has came my way.

Everything I was given and lucky to have this past year is so new! I'm so lucky to have them! So Cheers to you guys! Cheers to laughs you let me spend with you! Cheers to the tears you guys wipped off my face when I was crushed. Cheers to goofy times where we have sat on each others lap, tickeled one another til we have cried and screamed to stop (well mostly it was jasmine and I getting tickled and everyone else tickeling us), and where we have sat on our couches and talked for hours on end. Cheers to the times at the lunch table were the naughty talk happens. Cheers to my boys were I'm their mother; I'm not sure they could plan anything without me. Cheers to my girls that have always been on my side. Cheers to the new and old friends. Cheers to the Hellos and Goodbyes.

This past year has opened my eyes to everything I was blind to in the past. So I say thank you to all my friends that have helped me with these things! I love you all so much! I hope we have even more memories this year!

Cheers to this Year,

Maranda