What to do?

At the moment in time I'm torn in the middle. There are so many things going so many directions and I truly have no idea what to do or say. Lately I've seemed to be drifting apart from people. I'm losing connection with people that I've known for years. I'm at a stopping point in my life. The "2 roads" come into play at this moment.

I no longer have the urge to go out of my way to try to make things work anymore. Suddenly all I can think is if it happens well then for some reason it's suppose to be that way. I don't find myself fighting for things or people I care about.

Honestly, I have no idea why it's happening.

I'm indifferent about it...

I see people around me having fun and laughing while talking. I use to be in that but not so much anymore. I use to love going and hanging out with my group of friends and instead now I'd rather be by myself. Making conversations with people were things I always loved to do and I was well at. Now, I just stare down at my hands and look the other way.

I'm becoming a completely different person. :////////

I miss those things from the past. Sadly I don't even see them in my future. Is it because I'm growing up? Have I been lying to myself this whole time? Or is a lapse in time that I just need to see that I can do it on my own?

That's something that has been running through my head every moment these past days. Can I do it on my own? I want to know that if I'm left that I can make it without them. I think about how a week ago I truly needed someone by my side but they weren't. I was on my own. I didn't know what was going to happen. That day was my judgement day.

Two days later I found out the verdict. I had reached my goal. But what really got me was that I did it on my own. No one was there by my side holding my hand even though I would of loved that.

Thoughts have been flying in and around my head.

Is this curiosity a lapse in time? Or is it something more than that?

Only time can tell. So now I sit in wait. The worst type of torture ever but you can never change it. I wait to find the answer to my questions. Can I be invincible by myself?

Thoughts flying,
Maranda

My Poker Face

I sit there in my red velvet chair. Taping my fingers away at the table. I put on my unreadable face.

My Poker Face.

I'm sitting at the gambling table with my worst enemy in life, biggest fear, best friend, first true love, the person who can make me feel like I'm on cloud nine, and last but not least the one person who can kick me while I'm down.

I look around at each one trying to read their faces. Then down at my hand. My normal and okay hand. Trying to put together combinations of cards to create something amazing. Nothing special lies within my fingers. I have random cards appearing out of no where. It's to hard to catch up with.

Suddenly, I look up. I only see one person sitting across from me. I look around in a panic. Heart racing. Sweat racing down my forehead. My vision is getting blurred. I feel my face. Suddenly I feel that my face is covered in water. I realize I'm crying. I can no longer see.

I fall to my knees. Screaming. Reaching out hoping that someone will grab my hand. No one is there to grab it. I didn't get a close enough look at the person sitting across from me to find out who it really was.

I'm helpless.

I think. I try to figure out something to do. My mind is racing. I can't control it. All I want is for it to stop. Take one sort 1/2 second break. I'm slowly getting dizzy. My head is spinning. Nothing is making sense. Everything is a huge mess painted on one tiny wall.






Everything is black.

I'm slowly regaining strength.

I open my eyes.

I sit up. Look around. I'm in my room and laying in my bed. Was it all a dream? Could that truly of all been in my head.

I turn around look at my wall. Look at that frame that's still hanging on my wall. The pictures that are still stuck on my wall. While looking up all the word's that I can form is, "Thank God."

My nightmare wasn't true. I hadn't hit the ground.

A Mess

A mess.
Heartache and doubt.
Flooding one's head every moment they are in motion.
Looking and searching for the way out.
The light at the end of the tunnel.
It can't be found.
Spinning in circles everything becomes a blur.
A blob.
A mess.
What's one to do?
Think?
Say?
Searching for one's self while holding up everyone else.
What will happen if I slip?
Trip?
Will I be trampled?
Or will I be caught on the way down?
No one knows.
No one can tell.
All one can do is hope.
Pray.
Work.
Try to achieve.
A mess waiting to be sorted out.

Can't Take My Eyes Off Of You

So I want to fore warn you. Yes, this blog is going to be corny in all sense. One last thing yes, this is directed towards one certain person. So if you don't want to read the rest of this then stop right now and close the page. It really doesn't bug me. I just hope that one certain person enjoys it as much as I do.

So I met this person around 2ish years ago. Well after that silly little meeting we finally actually spoke and became somewhat friends during the summer at a bonfire. After that great hoorah we became besties the day my new bestie got a celluar phone! Lets just say from the moment those phone numbers were exchanged we didn't stop talking at all.

What can I say. We just... well umm.. CLICKED!

My bestie and I talked about everything you could ever imagined. I was never scared to say something dumb or just be my plane Jane self. I felt more comfortable with my bestie than I ever had before.

Bestie could make me laugh so hard I had tears pouring down my face and smile so brightly it pretty much didn't go away (I'm not kidding I feel asleep and woke up with the same smile on my face). My bestie knew what to say to make me feel so special that nothing could ever live up to them.

This person changed my world for the best in every way possible.

Well I'm sure you all know who I'm talking about. If you don't well it's Logan Nash Tufte. He's my best friend.

If you haven't met him before you need to. You'll know what I mean by the very first words that come out of his mouth. He's just so inviting and friendly. You could listen to him for hours even if he was talking nonsense.

I'm writing this because in 36 hours from now I will be spending my second valentines day with him! I'm shocked. I never thought that I could have a best friend and perfect boyfriend all in one.

Well the main reason for me writing this is to brag nonetheless.

I wanted the whole world (well whoever may read my silly old blogs) to know how excited I am so Saturday.

Since the moment I ever looked at Logan my eyes have never left him. He's to one thing on my mind and in the room I can see clearly. The one voice I can pick out of a million.

I love you my bestie! Happy Valentines Day! Two and counting!

Loud and Proud,

Maranda!

A Little Effort

If anyone has every told you that it takes to much effort to make people happy, to change what has happened, or that nothing can change no matter what you do? Well there's one thing you should say that person the second they say that. Look them straight in the eyes and without a studder in your voice say, "I call bullshit." That's exactly what they are trying to do.

Anything can be changed with a little bit of effort. No matter the problem and/or situation. It will change in the better some way, some how, and some day.

Here's the catch to it all though.

YOU ACTUALLY HAVE TO TRULY MEAN WHAT YOU ARE DOING.

If you truly can't put a little effort into things and mean it then there's one message you are sending to the world around you. That message is saying, "I really don't care about _____ (insert your person, object, meaning, etc. here). No one is saying you have to or anything. That's your own personal choice but when it comes back to you and someone asks you about it man up and say that.

Excuses are worthless, pointless, meaningless, heartless, and most of all they do NOTHING other than make everything worse. (I'm hoping that's not your whole goal here)

Say what you feel and think. Nothing else is usually necessary.

My whole point here is if you truly want to change something all you need to do is put a little effort into it. That could change and show people so much. It really isn't that hard. In the end you will get something out of it. Something that you truly want to do is never pointless.

Heartfelt effort can make that much of a difference. (Trust me. I have experienced it first hand)

Put a little effort into it.

Making an effort,

Maranda!

Letting It Slip Away

Can you have something that was lost, shattered, and ripped away from your fingers ever so horribly? Something that you had for years of your life, the one thing that truly made you YOU and that got you through every day. Well that's what happened to me. I got the one thing that I could turn to when everything in my life went wrong. That thing was dance. I know it may seem dumb but I honestly don't care. Dance was the one thing that was mine, it never left when I was in a horrible mood, when my life seemed to be slipping, and it always knew how to make me happy no matter what seemed to be happening. Dance was like my best friend, soul mate, mother, dad, and everything else you could think of! This was the one thing that I never thought would be ripped from my hands, smashed right in front of my face, then the person who did it look at me straight in the eyes and told me "Don't even waste your time with that. You're not that good anyways. Get some help and maybe it'll get a little better if you're lucky."

This happened to me a couple of years ago and ever since then dance has never been the same. The passion that was there before hand was lost and never found. I didn't even see the point in dancing after I heard that. Every word that was said that day was imprinted in my head and worst of all my heart. No matter what was said to me all I could think of were those words. After that I did the worst thing... I gave up. I barely danced and when I did all I saw in the mirror was a horrible dancer that was wasting everyone's time even my own.

For a year I only danced when I had to (I teach dance at JFK) and I wasn't even having fun. I looked at the girls in front of me and just thought "Why am I teaching them? They should have someone better and that actually knows what they are doing!" I cried so many times during that year span. I avoided every thing I could that even reminded me of dance other than work.

After taking that year off I noticed how much I truly missed dance. Dance was such an outlet for me. You could tell how I was feeling because every guard was down and the movements poured out of me like tears. So I started looking for classes in town, outside of town, and any place just so I could start again. I wanted this back more than anything. I told myself that those things weren't true. That I could do it! So I started involving myself even more and more.

Then lately this thing, a strike of lightning you could say, hit me and I knew what I had to do. This person, who told me all of those things a few years ago, is who I have to dance in front of. I need to show her that I can dance. Most importantly I need to show myself that those things are not true and that they never were.

So I'm going to go in front of them and showing them every last thing I have in me. I'm going work my ass off every single day that I can and show how dedicated I am. Hopefully it will turn out the best way! I only have one thing that I hope you get out of this long story. It's that you should never give up even if someone takes that special thing from you. It's yours and not theirs. Just because they say something doesn't mean it's true or that you should think it. Keep doing what you love. You'll regret for letting it go right out of your fingers.

Never giving it back up,

Maranda Keirsten